Diggin In

So it's personal essay time today...

I'm writing these lines after the fact. I began writing with something else in mind and things changed quickly. Funny that I would begin writing about how life changes so quickly and that my writing would follow suit. That would be irony in a completely un-Alanis kind of way.

Rain on your wedding day is actually good luck, and not ironic, just unfortunate.

Anyways, life seems to have caught up with me of late. Not that I didn’t expect that this would eventually happen, just that I didn’t see that life wouldn’t just catch up, but try to pass me on the right.

I wonder if I had gotten out of the blocks quicker if things would be different. If I had thought to save money earlier, traveled less, stayed healthier, if I had put aside my marriage longer, or if I simply worked harder. I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering about these things.

Life passing you by is a painful experience because it never does it at the start. Life always passes on the final turn. That’s why it always leads to heartbreak.

When I think this, even though love is not the issue, I think about the first girl I ever loved. She probably doesn’t know she was my first love. I don’t even think she realized how strong my feelings were, simply because I was so guarded about my feelings back then.

Her name was Suzanne and she grew up in Long Island with my summer long beach bum friend, Kevin. Kevin is the type of guy who doesn’t let life pass him. He’s more like the guy who tricks life into a false start or doesn’t even race at all.

So anyways, back when we were about 15 or 16, one weekend he brought me to where he grew up because his friends were throwing him a birthday party.

A stranger, surrounded by a close knit group of high school friends, and shy and awkward as can be. You can imagine how little I was enjoying the party at first.

I remember sitting by myself on a lounge chair near the pool listening to Bell Biv Devoe and wondering how much longer I would have to stay at my own friend’s party.

And then I saw this girl. She was magnificent. Quite possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Beside her was this guy talking to her about the most egocentric and self-centered things. His words were mindless and I could sense the entrapment she projected from across the pool.

And god, for probably the first time in my life, I didn't think. I just walked across the pool and started talking to her as if our previous conversation had been interrupted. Here was this beautiful stranger who I'd never normally have the courage to strike up a conversation with and I was saving her and we both knew it.

I think of this and I think to myself, this was an occasion where I passed life, instead of letting life pass me.

And this guy walked away and I introduced myself to her in a self-assured way that I’ve never once approached since. We spent ever minute we could together that summer, watching Woody Allen movies, playing chess, and listening to jazz. She was an old soul, like myself, but more so, and if I was 15 going on 30, then our relationship was a crush going on soulmates.

When people like this come into a life like mine, my instincts go all cowboy and such. It becomes about corralling this spirit and making sure it doesn't roam too far from me. She was the first person that knew everything about me. I felt no fear when I was with her, so I didn't feel the need to pretend anymore. She is the person that challenged me to take down my walls and be honest, so if I am open and if I show people more of myself than most, than it is because of her.

We talked and the words meant so much more when they passed between us, as if they were all secrets only we could share, regardless of how important or meaningless they were. There is a moment that often passes in people's life, where for the first time they talk about how time flies because they have been so lost in conversation. I remember that moment like a birthday or mitzvah because when you put yourself to sleep by watching time tick away, you recognize the importance of finding someone that makes that time move faster.

As the summer came to a close I told her how I didn't care how much distance the school year would put between us. How I didn't care about train rides and bus trips and after school jobs that I'd need just to pay for phone calls that rang up ridiculous bills. I told her how blessed I felt that she came into my life and how I didn't and couldn't imagine a life without her. I poured everything out to her, that summer, and that night. But I didn’t tell her I loved her.

Suzanne said a lot of those same things, but differently somehow. Her voice was different and she tended to reorganize the words to mean different things and put up a wall, just in case. But the door was open, if I could just say the words.

But I couldn’t. Or I didn’t. I still don’t know which it was.

And it was at that moment that life, for that race at least, passed me on the final stretch. And I lost that race. And I lost the first person that meant anything to me.

Having fallen in love and found a soulmate, that race means less to me now, just like Tiger Woods probably cares little about losing his first tournament. It’s a memory sure, but one that means so little by comparison to the life he leads.

But the context of the story remains a painful reminder of what my mistakes have cost me. And now here I am again, looking over my shoulder as life catches up, trying to find the strength, the speed, and the desire to fight harder.

All my desires, my wants, my needs; they are all weighing me down, even as they are pushing me to fight even more. That’s how life catches up; it waits and lingers, and makes its move when you are at your weakest.

And I am digging down harder than I ever have before. I just hope it’s hard enough.

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Living Almost Large seems to be experiencing similar thoughts, so if you too share my perspective, go on by and see yet another, and realize we aren't alone.