30 Lessons Learned by 30 (Revisited)

In honor of having just turned 31, I am going to repost something I wrote down last year upon turning 30.

I've thought long and hard about the important lessons that I've learned, and written them down for posterity's sake. Now that I'm in the know, I figure the next 30 years will go much smoother...

1. There are only 2 things worth fighting for in life: Love and the last Reece's Peanut Butter Cup.
2. A Philosopher once said that 'You never truly say good-bye, to which I would add, 'Until everyone has gone to the bathroom.'
3. Laughter is the best medicine, but Nyquil is right up there.
4. If I had to identify, in one word, the reason why I have not yet achieved, and never will achieve, my full potential, that word would be "Television."
5. Swing sets do not lose their purpose and meaning once your feet can touch the ground.
6. Hot sauce goes with everything.
7. Silence does not need to be filled.
8. Just because she's in the bar doesn't make her legal.
9. The only thing that hurts worse than getting hit by a bottle rocket is getting hit by 40 of them.
10. Do not invite your ex-girlfriend to a party you banned your girlfriend from.
11. 60 minutes of football takes 3 and a ½ hours, a 60-minute network television drama is only 42 minutes minus commercials, and 60 minutes of therapy takes 50 minutes. Moral of the story? Time is relative.
12. The only Presidents that I've ever known, trusted, or believed in have been written for film and television.
13. Never underestimate the power of a comfortable chair.
14. Love does seem to be blind, but I've noticed that lust has excellent vision.
15. The optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing." The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a tragedy,' and in my family we say, 'My cup runneth over, what a mess.'
16. Don't play Soul Calibur with the person you are about to go to bed with.
17. There are several sacred things in life (ex. love, family, friendship), but none rest above another man's fries.
18. Morning people are annyoing.
19. There is a lot to be said for coloring outside of the lines.
20. Women stop wearing a matching underwear and bra after you've been dating a few months.
21. Super Mario Brothers moves from left to right, the Torah moves from right to left, and when I dance sober movement has no rhyme or reason.
22. The fine line in fantasy sports between hobby and obsession lies somewhere around knowing who Scott Posednik is.
23. When I was 10, Must See Thursday was Cosby, Family Ties, Cheers, Night Court, and LA Law. When I was 20, it was Friends, The Single Guy, Seinfeld, Fraiser, and ER. As I turn 30, it is Will & Grace, Four Kings, My Name is Earl, The Office, and ER. My point? I've aged much more gracefully than some.
24. The quickest way to a free Slurpee at 7-11 is to tell the guy behind the counter that you just lost your virginity.
25. The ocean has no memory and yet it is romantic, I forget one anniversary and I'm up a creek without a paddle.
26. There are, in fact, stupid questions.
27. 30 years old and the one dream that I still wake up with a smile from is the one where I win the Toys R Us All You Can Grab Sweepstakes.
28. The only person who truly can understand what it means to grow up in a Jewish family with three older sisters and have several ex-girlfriends become lesbians is the one who coined the phrase, self-deprecation.
29. You can, in fact, change history. Just write a Memoir.
30. The greatest piece of advice I ever received was, 'Cheer Up, Things can Always Get Worse.'

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It's wonderful that VH1 can turn this traumatic life experience into a sitcom. And here I thought their greatest achievement was going to be bringing Flava Flav back into the limelight.

Variety